Season 3, Episode 21 "Kicks"

This one was written by three people, two women and a man. That's worth knowing at the outset because when the episode jolts senselessly between different scenes, locations, ranges of acting ability, film speeds, attitudes towards violence, indeed, whether it even wants to take itself seriously, you'll want to be somewhat prepared. I picture these three arguing endlessly about character motivation, montage themes and, especially, about the outcome of the episode's main plot-line, a battle which, I think you'll agree, was a singularly male victory. The rest is sort of a discordant mess. So basically, it's pretty great.

Matt, besides being a lifeguard, surfer, diver, motorcyclist, competitive swimmer, boat racer, hang glider, skier, roller blader, rock climber, sky diver, and kayak enthusiast, is also, apparently, a kickboxer. There's a tournament going on at Baywatch and he's undefeated, handily winning his current match. There's a lot of slow motion and grainy 90's film effects, punches and kicks missed by miles, some sleazy blues-rock tune to which the chorus is "I'm a bad mo-fo!" There are two brooding onlookers that are repeatedly shown throughout this opening sequence, who we will meet in a moment, after Matt the Beautiful is done ruining the face of the chubby loser who's somehow in his weight class.

Ok so one is Steve Thorn, played by Scott Thorson, who we know because of the "introducing" that preceded his credit, is new to acting. Couple this with the obvious fact that he is himself a kickboxer, and it's an easy leap to understand why his name and that of his character are so stupidly similar. He's got this endearing look, Guile from Street Fighter hair, and a mushy way of talking that make him passably entertaining though. He muses to Summer, who's interested in Steve even though she openly abhors martial arts, about how kickboxing is his ticket out of his old life to better places. He tells her, "Who knows maybe even the movies someday" while pulling an ironic grin. Kinda sad.

The other is this gangly jerkoff who keeps heckling Matt's trainer, who of course is Mitch. The guy is an old student of his from back when he was a navy seal. Yeah, Mitch was a navy seal. They bring it up whenever they need to explain how he would understand subjects like bomb defusal, piloting a chopper, maximum dive depths of various submersibles, the proper handling of C4, or, in this instance, master-level hand-to-hand combat. It seems this "Branson" is creased about a showdown between them that never happened, so while he's in town to recruit fighters and take in the sights, he hopes to kill Mitch.

The bell rings, Matt and Steve square off in the finals, evenly trading blows for the first round. Mitch sees something Matt doesn't and encourages him to try and get Steve angry. He taunts and dodges a bit and before long Steve goes berserk, connecting a mean right elbow to Matt's jaw. The ref calls the foul and Matt wins by default, the recipient of general adulation, even though he won by entry level dickery. Steve tears off with Summer in pursuit. She catches up with him at his car, which he apparently lives in.

Here, and in other points throughout, I have to assume the two female writers must have felt they were losing control and attempted to momentarily harness and re-direct the flow of man-ergy. We're repeatedly jarred from testosterone-charged slow mo fighting and trash talking over mid-90's strip club music into several minutes of, as the British say, "quite the other thing." Remember when I mentioned one of CJ's pursuants was a photographer with a bad French accent? Yeah, that's the side story in this one. His name is Alain, which is meant to be pronounced like, "a-LAN" but Pamela Anderson can't get it, mewling it out "ah-LAYNE", her poor script coach off to the side, wasting her internship, the vice ever-tightening. He seduces her with his fancy talk and she's all durr and this drivel goes on and on, my friends. Bad, bad montages of slinking around in bikini photoshoots themed around slinking and "Oh Shee-xiay, Eye so ad-my-air your pa-shone, your sen-shoo-al-ee-tee" GAAAHH. Thankfully you already know the outcome, so we can leave it.

Steve confides in Summer that he had a shit childhood and as a result he's got a rage complex that only the disciplined bone breaking of kickboxing can effectively remedy. About this time that douchenozzle Branson rolls up and entices the defeated warrior with a proposition. Rules-free fighting, cash, and guarantees of lots of both. Summer keeps tagging along and the two accompany Branson to some kind of upscale underground fight club. Steve is a little disturbed by how badly some of the combatants get pounded on, but he gears up and finds out who'll be facing in his first match. A few moments later Branson easily kicks his ass in and reveals his endgame, to hold Summer hostage and force Mitch into a confrontation. Mitch arrives and rescues Summer from Branson's minions, then it's on to the final boss.

Mitch (and, in other shots, an actual fighter dressed exactly like Mitch) and Branson punch, kick, it's all in the mind. There are two fake-outs in which Mitch starts to walk away and dude springs up. Their bout takes them out of the ring, through the stands, into the... kitchen? Oh well. Versus! Fight! Fatality! Mitch uppercuts and Branson falls lifelessly onto a large meat scale, "Now that's what I call DEAD WEIGHT" and it's Ha-ha-ha all the way to the next scene. Perhaps that male writer waited until the others fell asleep and snuck in to change this part.

For the closing scene the main players are gathered in the weight room at Baywatch HQ. Matt and Mitch are taking shots at a punching bag. CJ, seeing them, feeling jilted, wants to know if it helps to get aggressions out, and they assure her it does. She kicks meekly until everyone starts taunting her in awful French accents, then she's a flurry of blond bastard-shouting rage.

Predictably, there was no real resolution to Steve's situation, just some emotional jawing about it. The ending can't possibly be studied for lessons. Matt won the title in a rather unsportsmanlike way and was lauded for it, his itch scratched, never to compete again. Summer wanted to help Steve but in the end was the reason he got screwed out of the most promising, albeit questionably legal, opportunity of his career. Steve, I guess, gets to go back to being destitute and homeless. Did Mitch kill that guy? He sure looked dead. Branson wasn't going to take no for an answer either, he was openly bent on a duel to the death. All these facts are casually glanced over and we instead end the episode making fun of CJ for having painful feelings of loneliness.

Season 4, Episode 16 "Mirror, Mirror"

Carrie-Anne Moss, who would come to notoriety playing Trinity in The Matrix a few years later, guest stars. It's an odd little episode.

Matt keeps having dreams about being attacked by sharks. Well, he has one dream, and then afterwords complains to Summer (for our benefit) about what a pain it is becoming. Baywatch does this a lot, it's an easy formula for erasing the slate. Days or even months can pass between episodes, and because of the perfect year-round So Cal weather, it very rarely matters what time of the year it is. You have to pay close attention in the first few minutes for exposition as to the "climate" of the episode. As such, we know two things off the bat: 1) We're going to continue to be misdirected with shark attacks that turn out just to be dreams, and 2) there will have to be another, separate, more substantial storyline to fill the rest of the 42 minute run-time. Sooo...

Carrie-Anne has like, quintuple-parked a camper trailer in the parking lot at Baywatch. She's inside, teasing her glamorously huge hair and being a mean bitch to her sister, who we don't see, but hear, half-heartedly defending herself on the other side of a closed door. She harangues her on and on about her plainness, her lack of grace and style, "How could any man want you the way you are!?" until the scene cuts to the exterior. We see the sister, also Carrie-Anne, in quirky mis-matched clothes, stupid nerdy glasses, unceremonious ponytail of sadness, looking tortured as she makes her way through the throngs of beautiful Californians to her new favorite place: staring at Mitch in his tower from a few feet away making dreamy faces. Cue the creepy Lifetime movie-of-the-week soundtrack. He notices her, oh god. He smiles.

"Uuuhh, what does that flag mean?"
"It means there's a dangerous riptide today, be careful."
"I guess I'll stick to the sand because you see I'm not a very good swimmer so I don't think that I'll be swimming today."
"Ok."
"...my name is Gwen."
"What?"
"...nothing, it's just... I'm Gwen, that's all."
"That's short for Guinevere, right?"
"..."
"Well, Lady Guinevere, be sure to put on plenty of sunblock today."
*smiiiiiile*
This conversation is so awkward it makes your toes curl. Mitch is this paragon of niceness, which is totally normal, but we can see by her expression that their exchange meant a lot more to her. Suddenly, a cry for help. That stupid riptide is trying to kill someone. Mitch has to save them, which he does, in the requisite run to shore, dive over breaker, swim hurriedly, give flotation device, drag to safety, make breathe again sequence we've come to know so very well. Gwen is so impressed she is temporarily rendered normal and showers him with compliments, to which he remarks on her obvious foreignness at the beach. She motions to her camper and explains that she and her sister are on a cross-country trip together. "My sister and I are very close." Then the post-heroism, predictable-as-Tuesday wave of flirty bimbos breaks over Mitch, who becomes distracted, leaving Gwen to gather her things and flee the scene, sobbing.

Mitch is closing up at the end of the day when he notices a beautiful woman in front of his tower. She introduces herself as Maddie and Mitch notices the similarity. He asks after Gwen and she scoffs, dismissing her, "Gwen is such a drag. I can't believe I'm stuck on this whole trip with her." She won't leave him alone until he agrees to have dinner with them in their trailer. He's put off by her callous attitude towards her sister, and it isn't until she insists it will make Gwen's whole trip for him to pay a visit that he finally gives in. "Say hi to Guinevere for me." She doesn't like that. You're smart enough to see what's going on, right? Ok good. Because they're done merely implying it and we need to be on the same page here.

Matt is determined to go diving in a shark cage and face his fear man-to-icthus. Summer insists on going with to keep an eye on him. Matt gets in the water with a big-ass stock footage shark looming, but he galvanizes his nerves and tries to hang. Suddenly it bites through the line securing the cage to the boat, sending him adrift. Summer leans hard to grab the severed rope and falls in. The shark is suddenly right there, no one can react in time, she's dragged under and yeah, psych, another dream. Summer is convinced his dreams are indicative of a fear of commitment. This is a very Summer-y conclusion to come to.

"It's not fair, I saw Mitch first! He called me Lady Guinevere..."
"He's coming here to see ME. Because I'm glamorous and exciting to be with!"
"Well I may not be all that, but I deserve to be here too!"
Maddie/Gwen is sitting in front of a mirror arguing with herself. This is a moment I actually feel no cynicism toward. Carrie-Anne absolutely kills it. She transitions between personalities with casual insanity, making something honestly unsettling out of the average-at-best script and scenario. It's a rare moment where you're like, "Wow, Baywatch. Did you just make me feel?" She sees that Maddie is trying to shut her out for good and resolves to stop her, but by the time Mitch arrives Gwen is nowhere to be seen. He drinks a glass of wine we saw her slip a nondescript narcotic into moments earlier and passes out. When he wakes up he's handcuffed to a cot in a filthy basement that's slowly filling with tidewater, being offered a tray of delicious breakfast items by Maddie, who has apparently finally gone full-on shithouse.

Matt and Summer get dropped off out in the water to position some buoys when go fuggin' figure a shark shows up. Matt heroically distracts it long enough to allow Summer to get back to the boat, then barely makes it back aboard in time, himself. More stock footage sharks, quick cuts back and forth between two differently lit scenes but oh well, he makes it. He believes he has conquered both his fear of sharks and Summer's fear that he might have a fear of relationships. The latter will ultimately prove unconquerable.

Mitch is up to his neck in water, the stairs that lead out are halfway submerged. Maddie storms in angrily and demands, "What are you doing!?" to which he responds, understandably, "HELP ME." A sequence then plays out in which her two sides again struggle for dominance, and again her performance is great. It's revealed through an unimpressive but brief flashback to her childhood that she, Gwen, saw her twin sister, Maddie, drown tragically. Unable to save her, she's been plagued with the guilt ever since, so now she's a crazy pants. Finally getting it, he calls out "My Lady Guinevere!" and she snaps out of it. Poor, sad Gwen can only weakly hand Mitch the handcuff key and he frees himself. All she cares about is that he understands how badly she had wanted to help Maddie.

She's scared when she sees the ambulance with "sanitarium" on the side and the guys in white. Mitch assures her that she's going to get the help she needs, that Maddie's death wasn't her fault, and she tries to seem strong. "Can I come see you when I get well?" He agrees but as they shut the doors, he looks crushed. As they drive away, her expression slowly changes. She takes off her thick glasses, lets her hair down, and asks for the radio, telling the orderlies how much she loves to dance, then laughs at her reflection in the rear-view ala Perfect Blue.

A genuinely engaging episode and quite enjoyable despite a sub-par sub-plot that went nowhere. All episodes of Baywatch feature Hasselhoff prominently, and he is a torrent of acting here, but he usually isn't *supposed* to be outshined like in this one. It's all about Carrie-Anne and she is totally awesome, beautiful and sad and dangerous and broken. If in her role we'd had the usual fare of guest stars it wouldn't have had such surprising intensity.

Anyway don't worry. The show, as well as this blog, is going to go back to normal.

Season 4, Episode 10 "Tower of Power"

This episode is a time capsule of early 90's social concerns. In particular, that of the rise of gang culture and speculation as to its future impact on society. Back in those days we never could have imagined we'd eventually be glorifying the likes of (insert popular white performer) based on the how much they appear to embrace but don't actually live the lifestyles of those once maligned social outcasts. Oh, and it also touches upon the short-lived success of individuals who tried to combine stand-up comedy with stage magic, and addresses how desperately bad, even dangerous, that can be in the hands of a British person.

We open on Mitch and Stephanie, who basically replaced Jill after she was devoured, and who appears to be the one actress on the show not interested in breast enhancement, as they argue over how to view an unexpected situation: gang tagging on the side of headquarters. Ok, here's where we get into the obtusion that is establishing the represented sides of what was a fairly new debate at the time. Stephanie, for the better part of the episode, is judgmental to the point of hostility at the actions of the youths, feeling somehow personally insulted; the average citizen. Mitch is level-headed and takes the viewpoint that such kids must have difficult lives to lead and must feel alienated and directionless, he encourages her not to judge them too harshly; he represents the ideal citizen, the teacher from Dangerous Minds, rather than the one from The Substitute. He works just as hard as she does at removing the eyesore, but unlike her, it doesn't make him mad. They both, of course, are wrong.

Meanwhile, Hobie is selling drinks on the beach. Well, I should hasten to say exclusively A&W brand drinks, which then offered a staggering variety of 3 choices, one of which was a diet divergence. Apparently the good folks at A&W contributed heavily to the show, as evidenced by the vending machine that appeared in headquarters this season that sells ONLY cream soda, and by the frequent guest spots the brown-or-tan cans have started to make in each episode. As such we see the sweaty, volleyball playing, bikini clad beach babes lining up to Hobie's little cooler, boobs to crotch in frame, being handed can after can of label-out, totally unrefreshing root beer, for which they are annoyingly grateful. "Look Mindy, it's our favorite! A-and-W brand diet root beer! I'll take 9!"

Fresh out and excited by what is undoubtedly a small fortune in singles, we see Hobie, his cooler somehow mounted precociously to a scooter/skateboard thing, coming up a hill. The hill is crested, we then see, with stereotypically-clap teenage latino toughs who eye him with casual malevolence. In these situations, either my girlfriend or I will call out what we think is about to happen, and we haven gotten to the point where we are always right. They waylay poor Hobie and liberate him from his money. Having been briefed on the dangers, presumably, he gives in without a fight, even when they find his "what if I get waylayed by gangsters on my way home" hidden stash of big bills.

Carlos is another of those one-episode characters that they build up when he's introduced, but you know is not going to become a mainstay. He's hulking, long-haired, like a cross between Fabio and an Aztec warrior. He's a do-gooder and believer in justice, a fearless lifeguard, and all around awesome dude. He is all these things so we don't forget that it's wrong to racially stereotype. He's on the fence though, the gang members' lack of respect for the law and dismissal of societal obligations is disconcerting to him, but he starts working on Stephanie immediately, trying to make her understand nature vs nurture, when there's an emergency call. Unsurprisingly, it's the situation involving Hobie.

Carlos leaps like a puma from the speeding truck just in time to not catch anyone, letting them get away with Hobie's money. Lo and behold, the dude's sister is among the... ok, I'm going to say it. They call them "gang bangers" all through the show. At some point in the 2000's, the meaning of that term irrevocably changed, and it's hilarious to hear it used so much. So the gang bangers have Carlos' sister enthralled and he's pretty bummed about it. He's got personal beef with the leader. Garner (the beach cop and only character with any real authority, and god damn is he a badass) repeatedly encourages him to call the police when he witnesses such things. He does not and the situation spirals out of control, resulting in a brawl on the boardwalk for which, miraculously, only the aggressors are arrested. Carlos' sister is forced to move back in with their parents and is ejected hastily from the show. Crucially for the plot, the gang's leader is bent on revenge, but that can wait, we have more important things to get to.

In just about every episode since season 3 a good amount of time is spent following Pamela Anderson's character's search for a relationship. CJ is absolutely obsessed with "falling in love", to the point of it being a running joke with the other characters on the show. Let's extrapolate that. A low-paid but full-time television writer sits down and earnestly puts to the page these endlessly tiresome tales of love almost gained, then, perhaps masochistically, they write all the other characters chiding them for it. This isn't Community, these aren't cheeky little meta jokes. It's like when I used to write a lot of short stories. My junior high mind decided that, while most stories focus on a normal person in an abnormal situation, I was going to write the opposite: weird, largely unlikable people doing every day crap and either screwing it up and making a social statement, or doing it perfectly and making a social statement. Anyway, a lot of the time I would grow such intense dislike of the person I had imagined that I would abruptly end the story by having something terrible happen to them. It's not like I would just stop writing, I had to kill the person off for wasting my time. In a way, I think that's how the writers of Baywatch felt about CJ's myriad gentlemen callers.

Let's review, up to the episode in question, the ludicrous variety of men that she has fallen for:

- Cort, upon his disappointing return and subsequent farewell
- a hot air balloon enthusiast
- a coast guard guy
- a different coast guard guy
- a danger seeking deep-sea diver
- a dolphin trainer
- a wealthy guy that invites her on a cruise
- a fictional popular singer
- a photographer with a bad accent

She falls for them, they want to run away together and she's on the fence, then she makes a rescue and remembers her true calling is being a lifeguard at Baywatch. Then she cuts it off and sends them packing. Except for the dolphin trainer, who was engaged, there was no variation on the theme. In the role of the awkward but well-intentioned beach magician, Maroni, they made the unfortunate choice of an effete, pale, Steve Coogan-y, British actor. He endeavors mightily to be good enough for her and she's charmed, for some reason. Then he tells her of his latest death-defying trick, an escape attempt in imitation of the great Houdini. He plans to lock himself in weighted chains and leap from the pier, where he would sink to the bottom and escape the constraints before drowning. She demands to know how he plans to ensure his own survival. After petulantly arguing about trade secrets, he relents, informing her that he would hold a key between his toes. What could go wrong?

He jumps in and drops the key immediately. Here is another of the new location shots that are starting to pop up, an obviously indoor pool or dive tank in which underwater shots can be filmed. Maroni starts searching through the rocks, careful not to disturb too many and reveal the black plastic of the "ocean floor". Meanwhile, topside, CJ is convinced something has gone wrong and dives in, out of sight of the spectators, and swims over to him. She quickly finds the key and he frees himself, then she swims away and he rises triumphantly to the surface, the recipient of an unrealistic amount of crowd adulation. Then something weird happens. But hang on, we've got to wrap up the other storyline...

The alpha gang banger guy gets out of prison, it isn't explained how. Stephanie is into Carlos because... I guess they like, talked once and shared a montage. She's made the change from angry put-upon middle classer to open-minded citizen of the world and is ready to get going with her potential Latin lover, but she's worried about Carlos being attacked. Here's where he makes a series of mistakes that a true warrior/philosopher like Cort, for example, would never have committed. When Cort suspected someone unscrupulous was out for revenge, he and his boys got a whole town to back them up. Carlos denies the need for vigilance and refuses anyone's help. The gang leader drives a stolen truck into his lifeguard tower, but Carlos manages to survive and momentarily subdues him. Then he turns his back, second mistake.

I joked that Cort and the guys may have killed that human trafficker before. But seriously, the main antagonist in that episode was an old guy and they beat the shit out of that dude. They pummeled him, karate kicked him, dunked him a few times in a horse trough, and broke boards over his head. Cort did a shoryuken and the geezer ate dirt, then they laughed at him and celebrated. The gang leader suddenly rises and hits Carlos in the backs of the knees with a piece of wood, breaking both his legs. We see him later, looking not so tough in leg casts, telling Mitch and Stephanie how he can't lifeguard for at least a year, and he leaves. That's it. I'm honestly at a loss as to what we're supposed to learn here. Maybe the writers were too, because the scene abruptly changes.

Maroni is thanking CJ heartily, calling her "his mermaid" and wondering if, you guessed it, she would like to run away with him. Just imagine the life of glamour she chooses to turn down. He kisses her and walks away. After a beat or two she spits out a large, white egg. Roll credits.

Season 1 Episode 15 "We Need A Vacation"

I've talked about the first season and how awesome I think it is, so let's flash back to the glory days for a look at an episode that is basically perfect. The scene opens on Craig, pacing the length of his lifeguard tower anxiously. Casually up saunters Cort, obviously his relief at the tower, at whom he levels a harangue of hurried complaints and insults. He's waited so long that he has to change into his fancy lawyer's suit right there, already late to a plethora of appointments, the real-life demands of his white-collar side. This amuses Cort, who, when accused of spreading chaos, says, "What's wrong with chaos? I spent the best times of my life there." Being badasses, they both have a laugh.

Pan down the beach to Shauni (Erika Eleniak), the original blond bombshell of Baywatch in all her radiance, hair teased in ferociously sexy 80's style, instructing a small group of kids on the basics of CPR. Hobie (Brandon Call, the original), who is quite obviously suffering from a little kid crush, is beside himself as she calls his name to demonstrate proper mouth-to-mouth. She leans in and pinches his nose, announcing the procedure, and locks lips. He gets this shocked, dreamy look on his face, it's priceless.

A shout from the shore. An old man is calling to the lifeguards, apparently he's snared something strange with his fishing pole. Cort grabs a flotation can and, together with Craig, who's now fully dressed in all but his shiny black shoes, they hurry down to see what it is. It turns out to be a WW2 era mine, apparently still live, bobbing precariously in the shallow surf. Cort calls it "a classic", showing the kind of reverence some might express over an antique car. Ever conscious of legalities and jurisdiction, Craig worriedly suggests calling in the Bomb Disposal Unit, uttering those words that, more often than not, prompt Cort to do something reckless: "But we're just a couple of lifeguards!" Cort grabs one of Craig's expensive shoes, smiling, and hurls it toward the bomb. The three throw themselves into the sand as the ancient explosive delivers on the threat of being active. Bomb defused, Baywatch is safe, proving once again that all this country needs to keep the peace is an army of brawny, charismatic lifeguards. Sodden and covered in sand, Craig muses "I need a vacation", presumably because he isn't old enough to utter the classic "I'm getting too old for this."

It turns out Cort and Eddie have just the getaway in mind; surfing in Mexico. One short "closing up" montage later, we see them piling into Craig's jeep, already loaded up with surfboards, about which Eddie remarks "I don't think I've ever seen this thing without a tarp on it." The jeep, we come to understand, is Craig's first car, his baby, that he apparently has been working to restore whenever he gets a chance. This of course bodes poorly for the success of the trip, as there is virtually no wasted exposition this early in the series, but it just comes off as guys being guys engaging in good-natured ribbing. Full of piss and vinegar, they speed off.

Nighttime, an interior shot of the Buchanan house. Hobie is destroying his dad at checkers. Mitch expresses his disappointment upon the ruination of the Rockwellian scene they're living as Hobie declares, "Die, big dog. King me." when the doorbell rings. It's Captain Thorpe, head cheese down at Baywatch (played by awesome classic character actor Monty Markham), who awkwardly invites himself in, loaded down with literal baggage. His wife has thrown him out and he's come to crash at the bachelor pad. Sweet. All he wants now is to chase some young tail, and who better than the most eligible bachelor of them all, Mitch, to wing-man for him?

They've been going down dirt roads for a while. Craig, who has apparently let Cort drive, is becoming increasingly concerned that they've become lost. Challenging his insistence to the contrary, Craig shoves the huge paper map into his hands, saying "Then show me where we are on the map." Cort tosses it out the window. He's been here before, had what he describes as an "intense experience" in a small local village, and is characteristically unconcerned with small details like directions and roads. Based on the strength of the debauchery he got up to, he is now totally capable of locating the village through intuition alone, he explains. They arrive at an idyllic, hidden beach and waste no time getting into a killer surfing montage. As they're coming in from their last run, we see a mysteriously menacing pair of legs jump into the jeep and rev the engine, hurrying away. You guessed it, Cort left the keys, and everything but their clothes, in it. The three of them have no choice but to start walking for what Cort insists is a village full of fans of himself.
 
Captain Thorpe makes the argument that if a family's purpose is to bear and raise offspring, and if said offspring grow up and move away, then the marriage upon which it was based is rendered meaningless. He's trying to convince Mitch to ditch work early and "hit the discos". Mitch sighs audibly as the good Captain passes a 20 to stone-cold lifeguard Jill (she gets eaten by a shark later in the season, takes it like a boss too) and tells her to swing by the pad and make sure Hobie's in bed by 9, reminding Mitch, "You're driving." He insists over and over that he's cool and has zero feelings about his impending divorce. Of course Mitch is dubious, as are we, but it will have to wait for another episode. The sight of Monty Markham in a leather Member's Only jacket rolling in a Miata with a grey brick cell phone on his ear is awesome and should be required material in film studies courses.

The guys arrive in the storied village, which is really just a collection of adobe hovels baking in the equatorial sun. Confident he left the place as some kind of amazing hero, Cort is dumbfounded as the denizens retreat into their homes muttering prayers. Not to worry, there's at least one person in town who'll treat them right, the proprietress of the local cantina, Inez. It turns out she's the least excited of all to see him, accusing him of taking off on her before casually pressing a broken bottle to his throat. Before he can explain himself a group of dusty bad guys come roaring into the tavern shouting for tequila, harassing Inez and chasing out the other customers. Cort intervenes with a flurry of smirking insults. An eye-roll passes between Craig and Eddie, they all go screaming into a bar fight for which they are outmatched 6 to 3, and soundly get their asses kicked in. Groaning, Craig sees the toughs pile into his jeep and drive away. The next day the residents of the village invite the trio to leave, which Craig is all too happy to oblige, but he wants his jeep back. Eddie asks why everyone is so scared of the gang and he's told it's because they're human traffickers. They try to subdue the situation and talk sense into Craig, but he insists upon revenge, even if he has to go it alone, which he finally elects to do. Later on, Cort and Eddie hear the jeep approaching. They head outside just in time to see Craig dumped like a bag of laundry in the dirt, the jeep rolling away. Acquiescing to the fact that he has no more bright ideas, he reluctantly agrees to do things Cort's way. This whole sequence plays out with great comedic timing, it's really funny.

Hobie risks a canine mauling and takes some pilfered flowers to Shauni. Over a game of checkers he's obviously letting her win (pretty baller), he picks his moment and attempts to convince her how much better of a boyfriend he'd be than Eddie. "I'd even carry your lifeguard stuff for you!" How romantic. Out of nowhere he kisses her, she's like oookaaaay... and he bolts. The next day she chases him down at headquarters. He's way embarrassed, she tells him she's impressed with his gusto, and he makes his own way to the conclusion that they're better off friends. "Good friends", she agrees. Aww. I was surprised with the maturity of this subplot. When Hobie tells his dad he's into an older woman, his only question is "Does she like you back? Go for it." The kid can't be more than 12 or 13, but no one treats his feelings dismissively. I can't imagine this is a message meant for young people, so is Baywatch trying to help parents with confused kids going through the change?

Meanwhile, the trio manage to sneak onto the bad guys' property and get eyes on the jeep, which is parked near a ramshackle gas pump. They start rigging the pump, presumably to cover their getaway, stringing a length of stolen wire to a safe distance for some Macguyver-style 'splodey. Craig opts for the honors. The conflagration rapidly spreads out of control and they can only look on in horror as the jeep explodes into blazing, twisted chunks. He repeats "I blew up my jeep..." as Cort and Eddie drag him away from the scene. The bad guys are pissed and bent on payback. Obviously this whole thing has gotten completely out of hand, the absolute best thing to do is roll the dice and hope the Mexican authorities won't require too steep a bribe to take your side. Instead, inspired by The Three Amigos, the guys elect to militarize the townsfolk in the few short minutes they have. All it takes is a speech, well a lie really, but a rousing one, about how they have purposefully antagonized the gang in order to draw them back out, empowering the lowly villagers to take back their town or something. Bad guys show up with torches, talk some smack, and a quick montage of fists and victory plays out. Afterwords Eddie speculates on their finally being showered with praise and they're all high-fives until they look around. Several buildings are on fire, the people look pretty discontented, and Inez slaps Cort hard across the face.

Then there they are, walking down a dirt road, surfboards in hand, just like before. Are we going to hear a speech about taking responsible action and not being a hero? Maybe Cort will realize that he ruined an entire town or that he broke an innocent woman's heart twice. Hell, they may have killed that older gentleman they were pummeling. If nothing else, will they at least acknowledge that they were wrong not to involve the authorities? Come on you loser, this is Baywatch. That stuff is a bummer. Craig goes, "I need a vacation." again and they laugh. The End. Awesome.

Season 4 Episode 4 "Blindside"

This episode is like getting punched in the gut by a lover. It hurts as much as it surprises. A once loving and tender touch that turns suddenly cruel. It leaves you breathless and reeling from the abrupt and unprovoked brutality of the attack. That's what it's like.

A 90's IRL troll is riding his dirtbike on the sands of Baywatch, recklessly careening between bikini-clad sunbathers and disbelieving volleyball enthusiasts. No one seems able to stop the madman, until a lone figure on a chestnut stallion rides out of the blinding midday sun to cheesy synthesized western music, waving a lasso aloft, closing in on the ruffian. He hurls it with expert precision, the stuntman catches it around the neck but through quick editing, the actor is harmlessly snared around the shoulders as he tumbles to the surf, our cowboy savoir trotting up to gloat.

That's when it happens. You refuse to believe it. What? How? Is it really him?

The first season of Baywatch is a thing of true beauty. Particularly the latter half, which prominently featured three of the most awesome, late 80's trope-ful TV characters of all time. Craig, a straight-shooting LA lawyer who lifeguards in his free time for the thrill and escape from his straight-laced life. Eddie, the heart-of-gold young spitfire from Jersey who's just as inexperienced as he is tough. And John D. Cort, the nihilistic rock n roll drifter who no one can nail down. Ladies can't tame him, danger doesn't phase him, he laughs at the impossible, his every action artfully waltzing the line between boyishly charming and flat out illegal. These dudes got up to the craziest shit when they were left to their devices. It was magic, heroic television that NBC promptly cancelled.

Hasselhoff goes executive producer on everyone's ass, tilts the show's head back to clear the airway, and with one gust from his mighty German lungs, revives it instantly. But it's a far cry from the way it used to be. The audience of syndicated television is different from that of a major broadcast network. Budgetary problems and uncertainty about the show's future caused several fan favorites not to return. There's a totally different kid playing Hobie. They are talking like Craig is gone for good, quickly mentioning his "move to Seattle" and "kids on the way." Eddie's role is totally reduced to being the love interest of that girl from Under Siege. And worst of all, Cort has inexplicably vanished. We learned to adjust, and, heads hanging low, we marched on into the future.

And now here he is again. Everyone is glad to see him, even characters who shouldn't know who he is, namely CJ, who is apparently in love with him? Ok they didn't work very hard at it. But it's easily forgivable, they brought him back! It's fucking Cort, hell yeah! What antics will he get up to? How many women will fall victim to his roguish good-looks? How many cocaine deals, petty robberies, and animal poachings can he heroically prevent using only guts and brawn? He's talking like he plans to stay, and everyone is, to borrow a Cali-ism, totally stoked.

That's when, punctuated with overly dramatic music, we see that something is wrong. A swimmer almost drowns right in front of his tower. He reaches for things and misses, or knocks them over, laughing it off as being overwhelmed by being back and out of practice. At Mitch's urging he visits a doctor, discovering that he has a rare eye condition that will eventually leave him totally blind, and to make matters worse, this eventuality will be accelerated by exposure to the sun. The news choked down, embarrassingly huge, dark glasses in hand, he bids farewell to the girl he never technically met but had strong feelings for, and to the beach he used to call home, and walks off the show three seasons after walking off the show. He just wants to see the beauty in the world before the lights go out.

...

Ow, Baywatch. How could you?

Also there's this stupid subplot about Hobie meeting this huge freak show performer who just wants to carve seagulls out of driftwood. He helps make his dream come true by freeing him from his abusive master and somehow setting him up with the capital to open a carved seagull stand on the boardwalk, which of course is a huge success, since everyone loves roughly hewn poultry made of driftwood. There's a song about how "everyone needs a friend/ even the pelican man." Oh my god it's like the show gives you cheese-grater wounds and salt water to rinse.