Season 3, Episode 21 "Kicks"

This one was written by three people, two women and a man. That's worth knowing at the outset because when the episode jolts senselessly between different scenes, locations, ranges of acting ability, film speeds, attitudes towards violence, indeed, whether it even wants to take itself seriously, you'll want to be somewhat prepared. I picture these three arguing endlessly about character motivation, montage themes and, especially, about the outcome of the episode's main plot-line, a battle which, I think you'll agree, was a singularly male victory. The rest is sort of a discordant mess. So basically, it's pretty great.

Matt, besides being a lifeguard, surfer, diver, motorcyclist, competitive swimmer, boat racer, hang glider, skier, roller blader, rock climber, sky diver, and kayak enthusiast, is also, apparently, a kickboxer. There's a tournament going on at Baywatch and he's undefeated, handily winning his current match. There's a lot of slow motion and grainy 90's film effects, punches and kicks missed by miles, some sleazy blues-rock tune to which the chorus is "I'm a bad mo-fo!" There are two brooding onlookers that are repeatedly shown throughout this opening sequence, who we will meet in a moment, after Matt the Beautiful is done ruining the face of the chubby loser who's somehow in his weight class.

Ok so one is Steve Thorn, played by Scott Thorson, who we know because of the "introducing" that preceded his credit, is new to acting. Couple this with the obvious fact that he is himself a kickboxer, and it's an easy leap to understand why his name and that of his character are so stupidly similar. He's got this endearing look, Guile from Street Fighter hair, and a mushy way of talking that make him passably entertaining though. He muses to Summer, who's interested in Steve even though she openly abhors martial arts, about how kickboxing is his ticket out of his old life to better places. He tells her, "Who knows maybe even the movies someday" while pulling an ironic grin. Kinda sad.

The other is this gangly jerkoff who keeps heckling Matt's trainer, who of course is Mitch. The guy is an old student of his from back when he was a navy seal. Yeah, Mitch was a navy seal. They bring it up whenever they need to explain how he would understand subjects like bomb defusal, piloting a chopper, maximum dive depths of various submersibles, the proper handling of C4, or, in this instance, master-level hand-to-hand combat. It seems this "Branson" is creased about a showdown between them that never happened, so while he's in town to recruit fighters and take in the sights, he hopes to kill Mitch.

The bell rings, Matt and Steve square off in the finals, evenly trading blows for the first round. Mitch sees something Matt doesn't and encourages him to try and get Steve angry. He taunts and dodges a bit and before long Steve goes berserk, connecting a mean right elbow to Matt's jaw. The ref calls the foul and Matt wins by default, the recipient of general adulation, even though he won by entry level dickery. Steve tears off with Summer in pursuit. She catches up with him at his car, which he apparently lives in.

Here, and in other points throughout, I have to assume the two female writers must have felt they were losing control and attempted to momentarily harness and re-direct the flow of man-ergy. We're repeatedly jarred from testosterone-charged slow mo fighting and trash talking over mid-90's strip club music into several minutes of, as the British say, "quite the other thing." Remember when I mentioned one of CJ's pursuants was a photographer with a bad French accent? Yeah, that's the side story in this one. His name is Alain, which is meant to be pronounced like, "a-LAN" but Pamela Anderson can't get it, mewling it out "ah-LAYNE", her poor script coach off to the side, wasting her internship, the vice ever-tightening. He seduces her with his fancy talk and she's all durr and this drivel goes on and on, my friends. Bad, bad montages of slinking around in bikini photoshoots themed around slinking and "Oh Shee-xiay, Eye so ad-my-air your pa-shone, your sen-shoo-al-ee-tee" GAAAHH. Thankfully you already know the outcome, so we can leave it.

Steve confides in Summer that he had a shit childhood and as a result he's got a rage complex that only the disciplined bone breaking of kickboxing can effectively remedy. About this time that douchenozzle Branson rolls up and entices the defeated warrior with a proposition. Rules-free fighting, cash, and guarantees of lots of both. Summer keeps tagging along and the two accompany Branson to some kind of upscale underground fight club. Steve is a little disturbed by how badly some of the combatants get pounded on, but he gears up and finds out who'll be facing in his first match. A few moments later Branson easily kicks his ass in and reveals his endgame, to hold Summer hostage and force Mitch into a confrontation. Mitch arrives and rescues Summer from Branson's minions, then it's on to the final boss.

Mitch (and, in other shots, an actual fighter dressed exactly like Mitch) and Branson punch, kick, it's all in the mind. There are two fake-outs in which Mitch starts to walk away and dude springs up. Their bout takes them out of the ring, through the stands, into the... kitchen? Oh well. Versus! Fight! Fatality! Mitch uppercuts and Branson falls lifelessly onto a large meat scale, "Now that's what I call DEAD WEIGHT" and it's Ha-ha-ha all the way to the next scene. Perhaps that male writer waited until the others fell asleep and snuck in to change this part.

For the closing scene the main players are gathered in the weight room at Baywatch HQ. Matt and Mitch are taking shots at a punching bag. CJ, seeing them, feeling jilted, wants to know if it helps to get aggressions out, and they assure her it does. She kicks meekly until everyone starts taunting her in awful French accents, then she's a flurry of blond bastard-shouting rage.

Predictably, there was no real resolution to Steve's situation, just some emotional jawing about it. The ending can't possibly be studied for lessons. Matt won the title in a rather unsportsmanlike way and was lauded for it, his itch scratched, never to compete again. Summer wanted to help Steve but in the end was the reason he got screwed out of the most promising, albeit questionably legal, opportunity of his career. Steve, I guess, gets to go back to being destitute and homeless. Did Mitch kill that guy? He sure looked dead. Branson wasn't going to take no for an answer either, he was openly bent on a duel to the death. All these facts are casually glanced over and we instead end the episode making fun of CJ for having painful feelings of loneliness.