Season 1 Episode 15 "We Need A Vacation"

I've talked about the first season and how awesome I think it is, so let's flash back to the glory days for a look at an episode that is basically perfect. The scene opens on Craig, pacing the length of his lifeguard tower anxiously. Casually up saunters Cort, obviously his relief at the tower, at whom he levels a harangue of hurried complaints and insults. He's waited so long that he has to change into his fancy lawyer's suit right there, already late to a plethora of appointments, the real-life demands of his white-collar side. This amuses Cort, who, when accused of spreading chaos, says, "What's wrong with chaos? I spent the best times of my life there." Being badasses, they both have a laugh.

Pan down the beach to Shauni (Erika Eleniak), the original blond bombshell of Baywatch in all her radiance, hair teased in ferociously sexy 80's style, instructing a small group of kids on the basics of CPR. Hobie (Brandon Call, the original), who is quite obviously suffering from a little kid crush, is beside himself as she calls his name to demonstrate proper mouth-to-mouth. She leans in and pinches his nose, announcing the procedure, and locks lips. He gets this shocked, dreamy look on his face, it's priceless.

A shout from the shore. An old man is calling to the lifeguards, apparently he's snared something strange with his fishing pole. Cort grabs a flotation can and, together with Craig, who's now fully dressed in all but his shiny black shoes, they hurry down to see what it is. It turns out to be a WW2 era mine, apparently still live, bobbing precariously in the shallow surf. Cort calls it "a classic", showing the kind of reverence some might express over an antique car. Ever conscious of legalities and jurisdiction, Craig worriedly suggests calling in the Bomb Disposal Unit, uttering those words that, more often than not, prompt Cort to do something reckless: "But we're just a couple of lifeguards!" Cort grabs one of Craig's expensive shoes, smiling, and hurls it toward the bomb. The three throw themselves into the sand as the ancient explosive delivers on the threat of being active. Bomb defused, Baywatch is safe, proving once again that all this country needs to keep the peace is an army of brawny, charismatic lifeguards. Sodden and covered in sand, Craig muses "I need a vacation", presumably because he isn't old enough to utter the classic "I'm getting too old for this."

It turns out Cort and Eddie have just the getaway in mind; surfing in Mexico. One short "closing up" montage later, we see them piling into Craig's jeep, already loaded up with surfboards, about which Eddie remarks "I don't think I've ever seen this thing without a tarp on it." The jeep, we come to understand, is Craig's first car, his baby, that he apparently has been working to restore whenever he gets a chance. This of course bodes poorly for the success of the trip, as there is virtually no wasted exposition this early in the series, but it just comes off as guys being guys engaging in good-natured ribbing. Full of piss and vinegar, they speed off.

Nighttime, an interior shot of the Buchanan house. Hobie is destroying his dad at checkers. Mitch expresses his disappointment upon the ruination of the Rockwellian scene they're living as Hobie declares, "Die, big dog. King me." when the doorbell rings. It's Captain Thorpe, head cheese down at Baywatch (played by awesome classic character actor Monty Markham), who awkwardly invites himself in, loaded down with literal baggage. His wife has thrown him out and he's come to crash at the bachelor pad. Sweet. All he wants now is to chase some young tail, and who better than the most eligible bachelor of them all, Mitch, to wing-man for him?

They've been going down dirt roads for a while. Craig, who has apparently let Cort drive, is becoming increasingly concerned that they've become lost. Challenging his insistence to the contrary, Craig shoves the huge paper map into his hands, saying "Then show me where we are on the map." Cort tosses it out the window. He's been here before, had what he describes as an "intense experience" in a small local village, and is characteristically unconcerned with small details like directions and roads. Based on the strength of the debauchery he got up to, he is now totally capable of locating the village through intuition alone, he explains. They arrive at an idyllic, hidden beach and waste no time getting into a killer surfing montage. As they're coming in from their last run, we see a mysteriously menacing pair of legs jump into the jeep and rev the engine, hurrying away. You guessed it, Cort left the keys, and everything but their clothes, in it. The three of them have no choice but to start walking for what Cort insists is a village full of fans of himself.
 
Captain Thorpe makes the argument that if a family's purpose is to bear and raise offspring, and if said offspring grow up and move away, then the marriage upon which it was based is rendered meaningless. He's trying to convince Mitch to ditch work early and "hit the discos". Mitch sighs audibly as the good Captain passes a 20 to stone-cold lifeguard Jill (she gets eaten by a shark later in the season, takes it like a boss too) and tells her to swing by the pad and make sure Hobie's in bed by 9, reminding Mitch, "You're driving." He insists over and over that he's cool and has zero feelings about his impending divorce. Of course Mitch is dubious, as are we, but it will have to wait for another episode. The sight of Monty Markham in a leather Member's Only jacket rolling in a Miata with a grey brick cell phone on his ear is awesome and should be required material in film studies courses.

The guys arrive in the storied village, which is really just a collection of adobe hovels baking in the equatorial sun. Confident he left the place as some kind of amazing hero, Cort is dumbfounded as the denizens retreat into their homes muttering prayers. Not to worry, there's at least one person in town who'll treat them right, the proprietress of the local cantina, Inez. It turns out she's the least excited of all to see him, accusing him of taking off on her before casually pressing a broken bottle to his throat. Before he can explain himself a group of dusty bad guys come roaring into the tavern shouting for tequila, harassing Inez and chasing out the other customers. Cort intervenes with a flurry of smirking insults. An eye-roll passes between Craig and Eddie, they all go screaming into a bar fight for which they are outmatched 6 to 3, and soundly get their asses kicked in. Groaning, Craig sees the toughs pile into his jeep and drive away. The next day the residents of the village invite the trio to leave, which Craig is all too happy to oblige, but he wants his jeep back. Eddie asks why everyone is so scared of the gang and he's told it's because they're human traffickers. They try to subdue the situation and talk sense into Craig, but he insists upon revenge, even if he has to go it alone, which he finally elects to do. Later on, Cort and Eddie hear the jeep approaching. They head outside just in time to see Craig dumped like a bag of laundry in the dirt, the jeep rolling away. Acquiescing to the fact that he has no more bright ideas, he reluctantly agrees to do things Cort's way. This whole sequence plays out with great comedic timing, it's really funny.

Hobie risks a canine mauling and takes some pilfered flowers to Shauni. Over a game of checkers he's obviously letting her win (pretty baller), he picks his moment and attempts to convince her how much better of a boyfriend he'd be than Eddie. "I'd even carry your lifeguard stuff for you!" How romantic. Out of nowhere he kisses her, she's like oookaaaay... and he bolts. The next day she chases him down at headquarters. He's way embarrassed, she tells him she's impressed with his gusto, and he makes his own way to the conclusion that they're better off friends. "Good friends", she agrees. Aww. I was surprised with the maturity of this subplot. When Hobie tells his dad he's into an older woman, his only question is "Does she like you back? Go for it." The kid can't be more than 12 or 13, but no one treats his feelings dismissively. I can't imagine this is a message meant for young people, so is Baywatch trying to help parents with confused kids going through the change?

Meanwhile, the trio manage to sneak onto the bad guys' property and get eyes on the jeep, which is parked near a ramshackle gas pump. They start rigging the pump, presumably to cover their getaway, stringing a length of stolen wire to a safe distance for some Macguyver-style 'splodey. Craig opts for the honors. The conflagration rapidly spreads out of control and they can only look on in horror as the jeep explodes into blazing, twisted chunks. He repeats "I blew up my jeep..." as Cort and Eddie drag him away from the scene. The bad guys are pissed and bent on payback. Obviously this whole thing has gotten completely out of hand, the absolute best thing to do is roll the dice and hope the Mexican authorities won't require too steep a bribe to take your side. Instead, inspired by The Three Amigos, the guys elect to militarize the townsfolk in the few short minutes they have. All it takes is a speech, well a lie really, but a rousing one, about how they have purposefully antagonized the gang in order to draw them back out, empowering the lowly villagers to take back their town or something. Bad guys show up with torches, talk some smack, and a quick montage of fists and victory plays out. Afterwords Eddie speculates on their finally being showered with praise and they're all high-fives until they look around. Several buildings are on fire, the people look pretty discontented, and Inez slaps Cort hard across the face.

Then there they are, walking down a dirt road, surfboards in hand, just like before. Are we going to hear a speech about taking responsible action and not being a hero? Maybe Cort will realize that he ruined an entire town or that he broke an innocent woman's heart twice. Hell, they may have killed that older gentleman they were pummeling. If nothing else, will they at least acknowledge that they were wrong not to involve the authorities? Come on you loser, this is Baywatch. That stuff is a bummer. Craig goes, "I need a vacation." again and they laugh. The End. Awesome.