Season 4, Episode 10 "Tower of Power"

This episode is a time capsule of early 90's social concerns. In particular, that of the rise of gang culture and speculation as to its future impact on society. Back in those days we never could have imagined we'd eventually be glorifying the likes of (insert popular white performer) based on the how much they appear to embrace but don't actually live the lifestyles of those once maligned social outcasts. Oh, and it also touches upon the short-lived success of individuals who tried to combine stand-up comedy with stage magic, and addresses how desperately bad, even dangerous, that can be in the hands of a British person.

We open on Mitch and Stephanie, who basically replaced Jill after she was devoured, and who appears to be the one actress on the show not interested in breast enhancement, as they argue over how to view an unexpected situation: gang tagging on the side of headquarters. Ok, here's where we get into the obtusion that is establishing the represented sides of what was a fairly new debate at the time. Stephanie, for the better part of the episode, is judgmental to the point of hostility at the actions of the youths, feeling somehow personally insulted; the average citizen. Mitch is level-headed and takes the viewpoint that such kids must have difficult lives to lead and must feel alienated and directionless, he encourages her not to judge them too harshly; he represents the ideal citizen, the teacher from Dangerous Minds, rather than the one from The Substitute. He works just as hard as she does at removing the eyesore, but unlike her, it doesn't make him mad. They both, of course, are wrong.

Meanwhile, Hobie is selling drinks on the beach. Well, I should hasten to say exclusively A&W brand drinks, which then offered a staggering variety of 3 choices, one of which was a diet divergence. Apparently the good folks at A&W contributed heavily to the show, as evidenced by the vending machine that appeared in headquarters this season that sells ONLY cream soda, and by the frequent guest spots the brown-or-tan cans have started to make in each episode. As such we see the sweaty, volleyball playing, bikini clad beach babes lining up to Hobie's little cooler, boobs to crotch in frame, being handed can after can of label-out, totally unrefreshing root beer, for which they are annoyingly grateful. "Look Mindy, it's our favorite! A-and-W brand diet root beer! I'll take 9!"

Fresh out and excited by what is undoubtedly a small fortune in singles, we see Hobie, his cooler somehow mounted precociously to a scooter/skateboard thing, coming up a hill. The hill is crested, we then see, with stereotypically-clap teenage latino toughs who eye him with casual malevolence. In these situations, either my girlfriend or I will call out what we think is about to happen, and we haven gotten to the point where we are always right. They waylay poor Hobie and liberate him from his money. Having been briefed on the dangers, presumably, he gives in without a fight, even when they find his "what if I get waylayed by gangsters on my way home" hidden stash of big bills.

Carlos is another of those one-episode characters that they build up when he's introduced, but you know is not going to become a mainstay. He's hulking, long-haired, like a cross between Fabio and an Aztec warrior. He's a do-gooder and believer in justice, a fearless lifeguard, and all around awesome dude. He is all these things so we don't forget that it's wrong to racially stereotype. He's on the fence though, the gang members' lack of respect for the law and dismissal of societal obligations is disconcerting to him, but he starts working on Stephanie immediately, trying to make her understand nature vs nurture, when there's an emergency call. Unsurprisingly, it's the situation involving Hobie.

Carlos leaps like a puma from the speeding truck just in time to not catch anyone, letting them get away with Hobie's money. Lo and behold, the dude's sister is among the... ok, I'm going to say it. They call them "gang bangers" all through the show. At some point in the 2000's, the meaning of that term irrevocably changed, and it's hilarious to hear it used so much. So the gang bangers have Carlos' sister enthralled and he's pretty bummed about it. He's got personal beef with the leader. Garner (the beach cop and only character with any real authority, and god damn is he a badass) repeatedly encourages him to call the police when he witnesses such things. He does not and the situation spirals out of control, resulting in a brawl on the boardwalk for which, miraculously, only the aggressors are arrested. Carlos' sister is forced to move back in with their parents and is ejected hastily from the show. Crucially for the plot, the gang's leader is bent on revenge, but that can wait, we have more important things to get to.

In just about every episode since season 3 a good amount of time is spent following Pamela Anderson's character's search for a relationship. CJ is absolutely obsessed with "falling in love", to the point of it being a running joke with the other characters on the show. Let's extrapolate that. A low-paid but full-time television writer sits down and earnestly puts to the page these endlessly tiresome tales of love almost gained, then, perhaps masochistically, they write all the other characters chiding them for it. This isn't Community, these aren't cheeky little meta jokes. It's like when I used to write a lot of short stories. My junior high mind decided that, while most stories focus on a normal person in an abnormal situation, I was going to write the opposite: weird, largely unlikable people doing every day crap and either screwing it up and making a social statement, or doing it perfectly and making a social statement. Anyway, a lot of the time I would grow such intense dislike of the person I had imagined that I would abruptly end the story by having something terrible happen to them. It's not like I would just stop writing, I had to kill the person off for wasting my time. In a way, I think that's how the writers of Baywatch felt about CJ's myriad gentlemen callers.

Let's review, up to the episode in question, the ludicrous variety of men that she has fallen for:

- Cort, upon his disappointing return and subsequent farewell
- a hot air balloon enthusiast
- a coast guard guy
- a different coast guard guy
- a danger seeking deep-sea diver
- a dolphin trainer
- a wealthy guy that invites her on a cruise
- a fictional popular singer
- a photographer with a bad accent

She falls for them, they want to run away together and she's on the fence, then she makes a rescue and remembers her true calling is being a lifeguard at Baywatch. Then she cuts it off and sends them packing. Except for the dolphin trainer, who was engaged, there was no variation on the theme. In the role of the awkward but well-intentioned beach magician, Maroni, they made the unfortunate choice of an effete, pale, Steve Coogan-y, British actor. He endeavors mightily to be good enough for her and she's charmed, for some reason. Then he tells her of his latest death-defying trick, an escape attempt in imitation of the great Houdini. He plans to lock himself in weighted chains and leap from the pier, where he would sink to the bottom and escape the constraints before drowning. She demands to know how he plans to ensure his own survival. After petulantly arguing about trade secrets, he relents, informing her that he would hold a key between his toes. What could go wrong?

He jumps in and drops the key immediately. Here is another of the new location shots that are starting to pop up, an obviously indoor pool or dive tank in which underwater shots can be filmed. Maroni starts searching through the rocks, careful not to disturb too many and reveal the black plastic of the "ocean floor". Meanwhile, topside, CJ is convinced something has gone wrong and dives in, out of sight of the spectators, and swims over to him. She quickly finds the key and he frees himself, then she swims away and he rises triumphantly to the surface, the recipient of an unrealistic amount of crowd adulation. Then something weird happens. But hang on, we've got to wrap up the other storyline...

The alpha gang banger guy gets out of prison, it isn't explained how. Stephanie is into Carlos because... I guess they like, talked once and shared a montage. She's made the change from angry put-upon middle classer to open-minded citizen of the world and is ready to get going with her potential Latin lover, but she's worried about Carlos being attacked. Here's where he makes a series of mistakes that a true warrior/philosopher like Cort, for example, would never have committed. When Cort suspected someone unscrupulous was out for revenge, he and his boys got a whole town to back them up. Carlos denies the need for vigilance and refuses anyone's help. The gang leader drives a stolen truck into his lifeguard tower, but Carlos manages to survive and momentarily subdues him. Then he turns his back, second mistake.

I joked that Cort and the guys may have killed that human trafficker before. But seriously, the main antagonist in that episode was an old guy and they beat the shit out of that dude. They pummeled him, karate kicked him, dunked him a few times in a horse trough, and broke boards over his head. Cort did a shoryuken and the geezer ate dirt, then they laughed at him and celebrated. The gang leader suddenly rises and hits Carlos in the backs of the knees with a piece of wood, breaking both his legs. We see him later, looking not so tough in leg casts, telling Mitch and Stephanie how he can't lifeguard for at least a year, and he leaves. That's it. I'm honestly at a loss as to what we're supposed to learn here. Maybe the writers were too, because the scene abruptly changes.

Maroni is thanking CJ heartily, calling her "his mermaid" and wondering if, you guessed it, she would like to run away with him. Just imagine the life of glamour she chooses to turn down. He kisses her and walks away. After a beat or two she spits out a large, white egg. Roll credits.